When things get too hot; Understanding relationship red flags

Thursday, 4 July, 2024 

McCreadie 

From consistent lies to persistent jealousy, blame games, lack of support and feelings like a slave around your partner maybe be worrying signs of a toxic relationship. 

In a healthy relationship, everything just kind of works. Sure, you may disagree from time to time or come upon other bumps in the road. Still, you generally make decisions together, openly discuss any problems that arise, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company.

Toxic relationships often takesa a toll on someone's sence of assertiveness, freedom and safety, you may consistently feel drained or unhappy after spending time with your partner. 

It reaches a point when the relationship no longer feels enjoyable, though you still love your partner. For some reason, you always seem to rub each other the wrong way or can’t seem to stop arguing over minor issues. You might even dread seeing them, instead of looking forward to it as you did in the past.

What are the signs of a toxic relationship?

Depending on the nature of the relationship, signs of toxicity can be subtle or highly obvious. 

When you’re in a toxic relationship, you may not always find it easy to notice the red flags. You could also notice some of these signs in yourself, your partner, or the relationship itself.

1.Lack of support

Healthy relationships are based on a mutual desire to see the other succeed in all areas of life. But when things turn toxic, every achievement becomes a competition.

In short, the time you spend together no longer feels positive. You don’t feel supported or encouraged and can’t trust them to show up for you. Instead, you might get the impression that your needs and interests don’t matter; they only care about what they want.

2.Toxic communication

Instead of kindness and mutual respect, most of your conversations are filled with sarcasm or criticism and fueled by contempt. 

Communication transforms to drums of war and no one is no longer interested to listen or understand another. At extreme circumstances insults dodge themselves into the relationship which might turn thing violent. 

3.Envy or jealousy

While it’s perfectly fine to experience a little envy occasionally, it can become an issue if your envy keeps you from thinking positively about your partner’s successes.

The same goes for jealousy. Yes, it’s a perfectly natural human emotion. But when it leads to constant suspicion and mistrust, it can quickly erode your relationship.

4.Controlling behaviors

Does your partner ask where you are all the time? Maybe they become annoyed or irritated when you don’t immediately answer texts or text you repeatedly until you do.

These behaviors might stem from jealousy or lack of trust, but they can also suggest a need for control — both of which can contribute to relationship toxicity. In some cases, these attempts at control can also offer abuse 

5.Resentment

Holding on to grudges and letting them fester chips away at intimacy.

Over time, frustration or resentment can build up and make a smaller chasm much bigger. 

Note whether you tend to nurse these grievances quietly because you don’t feel safe speaking up when something bothers you. Your relationship could be toxic if you can’t trust your partner to listen to your concerns.

6.Dishonesty

You find yourself constantly making up lies about your whereabouts or who you meet up with — whether that’s because you want to avoid spending time with your partner or worry how they’ll react if you tell them the truth.

7.Patterns of disrespect

Manly says that being chronically late, casually “forgetting” events, and other behaviors that show disrespect for your time are red flags.

Keep in mind that some people may have difficulty making and keeping plans on time, so it may help to start with a conversation about this behavior. If it’s not intentional, you might notice some improvement after you explain why it bothers you.

8.Negative financial behaviors

Sharing finances with a partner often involves some level of agreement about how you’ll spend or save your money. That said, it’s not necessarily unhealthy if one partner chooses to spend money on items the other partner disapproves of.

It can be toxic, though, if you’ve agreed about your finances and one partner consistently disrespects that agreement, whether by purchasing big-ticket items or withdrawing large sums of money.

9.Constant stress

Ordinary life challenges — a family member’s illness or job loss — can create tension in your relationship, of course. But finding yourself constantly on edge, even when you aren’t facing stress from outside sources, is a critical indicator that something’s off.

This ongoing stress can take a toll on physical and mental health, and you might frequently feel miserable, mentally and physically exhausted, or generally unwell.

10.Ignoring your needs

Going along with whatever your partner wants to do, even when it goes against your wishes or comfort level, is a sure sign of toxicity.

Say they planned a vacation to take you out of town on your mom’s birthday. But when they asked what dates were convenient, you emphasized that any dates were OK — as long as you didn’t miss your mom’s birthday on the 17th.

You don’t want to point this out since you don’t want to start a fight. So you say, “Great! I’m so excited.”

11.Lost relationships

You’ve stopped spending time with friends and family, either to avoid conflict with your partner or to get around having to explain what’s happening in your relationship.

Alternatively, you might find that dealing with your partner (or worrying about your relationship) occupies much of your free time.

12.Lack of self-care

In a toxic relationship, you might let go of your usual self-care habits,You might withdraw from hobbies you once loved, neglect your health, and sacrifice your free time. This might happen because you don’t have the energy for these activities or because your partner disapproves when you do your own thing.

13.Hoping for change

You might stay in the relationship because you remember how much fun you had initially. Maybe you think that if you change yourself and your actions, they’ll also change.

14.Walking on eggshells

You worry that by bringing up problems, you’ll provoke extreme tension, so you become conflict avoidant and keep any issues or concerns to yourself.

Is it possible to fix a toxic relationship?

Many people assume toxic relationships are doomed, but that isn’t always the case.

The deciding factor? Both partners must want to change. If only one partner is invested in creating healthy patterns, there is — unfortunately — little likelihood that change will occur.

A few signs you might be able to work things out together:

Acceptance of responsibility

If you and your partner know the relationship is struggling and want to improve it, you’re on the right track.

Manly adds that recognizing past behaviors that have harmed the relationship is vital on both ends. It reflects an interest in self-awareness and self-responsibility.

In other words, both partners should accept their part in contributing to the toxicity, from resentment to jealousy to not speaking out about concerns and disappointments.

Willingness to invest

Are you and your partner willing to invest in improving the relationship? That’s a good sign.

This may manifest by an interest in deepening conversations. or setting aside regular blocks of time for spending quality time together.

Shift from blaming to understanding

If you can both steer the conversation away from blaming and more toward understanding and learning, there may be a path forward.

For example, instead of saying, “It’s your fault” or “You always do XYZ,” you might try, “I think we misunderstood each other, so let’s try again,” or “I understand why you’re feeling stressed and upset — how can we work on that together?”

Openness to outside help

Sometimes, you might need help getting things back on track through individual or couples counseling.

There’s no shame in getting professional help to address consistent relationship issues. Sometimes, you can’t pick up on everything contributing to the toxicity from inside the relationship, and relationship counselors are trained to offer a neutral perspective and unbiased support.

They can also teach you new strategies for addressing and resolving conflict, making it easier to create healthier patterns that stick.